And so I sit. Waiting for him to call, knowing he never will. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own fear of abandonment. And yet knowing that doesn't enable me to end the cycle. I'm intelligent, independent, quite attractive and a shit load of baggage, but who isn't if were realistic. I'm just more upfront about it than most. So here's a brief synopsis of the events thus far:

A few nights ago, I went out with a friends and her friends from college. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling positive about myself. Though I've only come to realize it now, my sexuality has always been, for me, a source of power. I feel that I can't control the world around me, that I'm not getting what I deserve, and I enjoy the sense of power that comes from being sexy. When I feel in control of my life, I feel sexy and I'm much more forward - I actually take the risk of appearing interested in the opposite sex. (this is why I used to avoid analyzing myself. we are all so worthy of ridicule) So anyways, I'm feeling good and I start flirting with this guy. There's the wonderful moments of butterflies and knees touching. Every time it occurs, I admit that somewhere deep inside I'm blown away by the fact that someone finds me attractive. After the bar closes, we all head back to the friend's house and through glances and "subtle" offhanded remarks, I'm not suprised to discover that the mutual attraction is obvious to everyone. Several drinks and a few cheesy guilty-pleasure drinking games later and I find myself in the back room with RandyAndy for a good old fashioned seven minutes in heaven. As I write this I realize that it had been over 8 months since I'd kissed a guy, so I guess my response was not unreasonable. I stopped him and said, "hey, why don't you stay at my place tonight." RandyAndy mumbles, mid-kiss, "yeah." Me, "no sex, but..." An agreement was made via eye contact and I got up and left. Oh the awkwardness. Well the evening continued and eventually every else left on a cigarette run. I said I was going to turn in for the night and said (I shit you not), "ok, well I'm out. You coming? (maybe 2 second pause) Look you've got like 5 seconds." him, "uh yeah, okay." And so we go back, and end up having sex. Now to be honest, this doesn't suprise me. I dated the same guy for 6 years during high school and college, so saying that I'm fundamentally retarded in the dating world is a huge understatement. At the time it seemed like a great idea, but clearly that was not the case. The sex was technically good, though RandyAndy put me through more positions than months since my last kiss. I was tolerant but at some point you want to say, look, throw my leg up in the air one more time and I'll throw you on your back. If it ain't broke, man, I mean just stick with it for more than 30 seconds. To be honest I felt a little like a blow up doll - it was by far the least personal sex I've ever had. I "came" twice and it was clear he needed it for his ego. He then went limp and rolled over. I looked at him and said, "dude, you stay here, you sleep facing me. entry fee." Worst part: he woke me up early the next morning and wanted a ride back - some shit about having to feed a dog. It was true, but you must be fucking kidding me. I don't wake up at 9am for anyone - I work late.

Anyways, so then we reach the lovely place at which we now find ourselves. Me waiting for a phone call, which I know will not occur, from a guy who was not that great to begin with. Somehow, though I might never (correction, would have never) spoken to him had he approached me at a bar, I now have a minor crush and though I would probably never consider dating him, his not calling is a rejection that I simply cannot face. God I'm an idiot. What pisses me off if my own limitations: I've got a sex drive rivaling any guys, and yet if I give in, just once, I'm labelled a slut. He now won't call me for anything other than a booty call, becuase I'm a one night stand, whereas I'm more than willing to overlook his indescretion. I'm a slut and he's a normal, datable, likeable guy. Great. This douchebag makes less than I do, looks worse than I do, is clearly less intelligent and has and ego the size of a third world country - but I feel like the inferior idiot. Really though, I kind of am...

update later...